Welcome to the Wonderful Magic Misadventures of Mistrial the Witch! 
Trigger Warning - All Triggers! - All of them! 
Prologue 
>the Canary shrugs
>she goes back to her room
>she’s like thirteen years old and she’s already saying profound things about ‘the mystical experience’
>what a brat
>anyways
>the earliest, or oldest, known relative we have would be Sabka Zvan
>witch, astrologer, astronomer, and institutionalized psychic control subject
>but that’s another story.
>Anyways, instead of taking it metaphorically like how the Canary wanted, i take it literal and “put (the body) to good use”
>i wade out into the floodwaters and collect the old biddy
>i set her up in the parlor
>i sit across from her
>i tent my fingers
>her skin’s all wrinkly and looks like sandpaper
>she’s a shriveled little sandpaper woman
>i touch her up with a bit of foundation
>actually a lot of foundation
>some toner
>i slut her up with some blush
>add mascara
>fill out her eyelashes
>fill out her eyebrows
>add eyeliner
>add lip liner
>eye shadow gradients
>she looks like she could fit in
>she looks like she could fit in in sturgis
>i could set her up at a slot machine
>with some dark sunglasses and a cigarette
>she’s wearing a black wedding dress
>not really a conventional wedding dress
>it was just her best dress at the time
>so she got married in it
>and widowed in it
>and buried in it
>i furrow my brow
>i lean in
>the candles in the room burst into flame
>her head drops off and rolls into her lap
>her eyes glow green
>she starts speaking
>she says my little sister is a punk
>i say yeah that kid is a punk
>she tells me i’m a punk
>i say hold on now
>she says she has a lot of really cool spells
>she says she doesn’t want to train me to use them
>she says i don’t deserve them
>i say hold on now gam gam
>she says she’ll do it anyway
>she tells me to go fetch a good stick
>i fetch a really good stick
>she tells me now whip yourself with it
>i tell her i can’t really whip myself
>she says DO IT
>i give it a few tries
>but i always kind of hold back whether i want to or not
>i’m not very good at it
>i say it's like tickling yourself, gam gam, you can't really do it
>she’s not impressed
>she turns the stick into a snake
>the snake bites me
>i scream
>i scream “aaaa”
>the snake slithers into the walls of the house
>i say gam gam why did you do that
>she’s cackling
>i’m not sure if this is a witch thing
>or a mean victorian woman thing
>it’s kind of funny though
>i start laughing
>she stops
>she says it’s not funny anymore
>i ask her if the snake was poisonous
>she starts cackling again
>i laugh a little too
>but i feel like dying
>next, she tells me to look under my bed
>i look under my bed
>there’s a dead raccoon
>i say gam gam that’s not funny
>she’s cackling
>she says it’s a dead raccoon
>she’s cackling
>i’m thinking i’m seeing why the earth spit her ass back out
>i tell her gam gam, that’s wrong
>she tells me i’m going to rot in the ground if i don’t do what she says
>i say damn shawty, okay
>she says set up a blank canvas against the wall
>i set up a blank canvas against the wall
>she tells me to go fetch a live cat
>i say gam gam i don’t like where this is going
>an invisible switch whips across my thighs
>i jump up
>i shout ow
>i shout okay gam gam okay
>i get hit with another invisible switch in my arm fat
>ow i say okay i’m doing it
>i’m doing it
>i run out of the house
>i bring a cat back to gam gam
>gam gam tells me bring her a little bird
>i go out and get her a little bird
>she tells me to go out and get a small horse
>i want to tell gam gam that’s not really feasible
>but i think she’s just going to whip me if i try that
>i leave the house
>i’m pretty sure stealing a horse falls under a greater classification of crime than some petty larceny
>i think it can either go down in the books as a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the value of the horse
>i think a small horse is probably pretty valuable
>like, not for its resale value
>its resale value is probably shit
>but its value as a pet or personal companion or lawn decoration or as a show horse
>that value is hard to nail down and can probably get pretty steep depending on how good their lawyers are
>and horse people always have really good lawyers
>but i do live near horse country
>so they must be in the area
>it’s just most people keep their horses deep in their property
>some have roadside pastures
>you do see them
>but i just haven't seen a small horse in a roadside pasture
>i start calling around to different churches
>a lot of church going folk are horse people
>i tell them i'm looking for a small horse
>i say it's for a girl’s birthday party
>i get in contact with a woman with a small horse
>i go and meet the horse
>we all get along really well
>the woman, the horse, and i play a lot
>we laugh a lot
>we have a great time
>we go on a picnic
>we drink local wine
>we eat humboldt cheese
>we eat truckee sourdough
>i meet all the horse’s herd
>they show me how fast they are
>they show me how strong they are
>they show me how well-behaved they are
>they’re all wonderful horses
>anyways, so i steal the horse
>i take it back to gam gam
>gam gam instructs me to kill them all
>so i kill them all
>she says to scoop out all their guts
>i have to scoop out all their guts
>she says i have to eat the guts
>i say gam gam please
>she says EAT IT
>so i eat the guts
>this is no small feat
>i mean, the bird guts and the cat guts go down lickety-split
>but i’m in there for the long haul chewing away at a big udon pile of horse guts
>i have never since cared much for the taste of horse guts
>i also drink their blood
>then she tells me to eat a bunch of black powder
>so i eat a bunch of black powder
>and i rub it into my eyes so my eyes are all smoked and femme fatale
>gam gam tells me to draw a magic circle and sit within it with the cat's eyes
>i draw a magic circle and sit in it with a cat eye in each hand
>black smoke covers me
>my face
>my hair
>my body
>i erupt in flames
>this is very bad
>i scream!
>i breathe in the fire!
>it’s burning my esophagus!
>it’s burning my stomach!
>it ignites the black powder!
>my scream sounds like a gunshot!
>the ignition of my scream burns a portrait of me into the canvas against the wall!
>my stomach explodes!
>my guts erupt!
>i collapse into a heap of smoking smoldering gruel!
>i’m in unfathomable agony!
>i burn into dust!
>gam gam is cackling!
>gam gam is chuckling!
>gam gam is hooting!
>her horrible laughter calls to me from beyond the veil!
>it speaks of an evil i have known my whole life!
>it says that i am defeated!
>it says i am humiliated
>i say i am never defeated!
>i say i am never humiliated!
>a secret and untapped defiance grows within me!
>i say i am a witch!
>I crawl from the ashes!
>i scrape along the wood floor!
>I garble GAM GAM, THAT HURT YOU CUNT
>i am reforming myself from the ashes!
>I grab gam gam’s head
>i drop-kick it out the window
>i take her body
>i am trailing ashes and black flake
>i walk it out to the dumpster
>i toss it in like a broken kite
>i go online
>i check reddit and google and twitter and 4chan and the youtube comments section of zz-top, (normally very supportive)
>i ask everyone if they’ve had a problem with relatives doing this sort of stuff
>they say no
>they start telling me normal family problems
>i say well fuck
>i tell them they’re all super-privileged and i’m SO HAPPY their lives worked out so nicely for them
>i tell them i have no control over my actions
>i tell them i’m stuck in a wheelchair
>i tell them i have sticks for hands
>i slam the laptop shut
>i hate internet people!
broom
cherry
strawberry
grape
blue raspberry
>i take them all home with my oooey oozy eaten, raped, gored, goth ghoulfriend
>i pour all the slurpees into my cauldron
>i push my ooey gooey eaten, raped, gored goth zombie ghoul into the cauldron
>she disappears into the icy mixture!
>i stir
>i stir
>i stir her around
>i sing a song of stirring 
>i am living my best life
>i pull my broom out and flourish it around
>it is painting my room in psychedelic slurpee
>i tap the broom handle on the cauldron
>i exhort her to rise
>she rises
>she is oozing with slurpee!
>she has vampire teeth!
>she has bat wings!
>she has vampire blood!
>she's beautiful!
>she is ravishing!
>i ask her how she's feeling
>she says she's a vampire
>she says vampires don't feel anything
>she chuckles
>she chortles
>she snorts
>wow i say
>she's just like me
>fr, fr
>i chuckle
>i chortle
>i snort
>i ask her what she wants to do
>she says she wants to suck my dick
>i say i’m not that type of girl
>i ask if she's hungry
>she is
>i offer her some 7-11 cherry slurpee
>she drinks it down
>she says "that was good, but i kind of need some blood"
>I say i don't have any
>she says i have lots
>i disagree
>she disagrees
>she thinks i have lots of blood
>she thinks i’m withholding my blood
>she thinks i’m being selfish
>i explain to her that when i turned her into a vampire i was generally thinking she'd drink other people's blood
>she is disappointed
>she is disconsolate
>she is despondent
>i want to cheer her up
>i'd do anything for my ravishing slurpee vampire goth gf
>i am wracked with guilt
>i am filled with remorse
>i am awash in shame
>i say "i know! i'll find you a person whose blood you can suck!"
>i grab a bottle of smokehead scotch
>it has a cute little skull on it
>we drink it all
>we're scotched up
>we are rarin' to go
>we drunk drive around sacramento looking for someone to feed on
>we drive by 7-11
>we see the 7-11 clerk
>i say "why don't you go suck the 7-11 clerk from CHI-CAH-GY"
>she is rarin' to suck the 7-11 clerk from boston
>she gets out
>she's so ravishing!
>she's going to suck the blood from the girl clerk from chicago!
>i watch from the car
>i'm very excited
>i see them talking
>i see em kiss
>they fall behind the counter
>i hear em moan
>i wonder if this is part of the process
>i suppose vampires have to seduce their victims
>but it feels kind of like my slurpee vampire goth gf is cheating on me
>i've never cheated on her
>i get out of the car
>i go in to confront them
>they are full on making out under the counter
>i say "what the fuck are you doing?"
>they stop kissing
>the girl says "i was gonna ask you the same thing"
>i grip the neck of my smokehead scotch
>i hammer her in the head with it
>she flails
>i kick her
>i stomp her
>i rip her
>my slurpee vampire goth gf is excited by the violence!
>she jumps on me!
>she bites me
>she sucks me
>she drains me
>this isn't really how i was expecting this to go down
>the clerk has stuffed a bunch of birthday cake ice cream into a big bag of chips and is using it as an ice pack on the big goose egg i gave her on the side of her head
>she seems pretty smug
>is this really what dating a vampire is like?
>my slurpee vampire gf is still hungry
>she pounces on the clerk
>she drinks her blood
>she takes her shoes
>the shoes are really nice
>they're uggs
>i want uggs
>i think i'll buy uggs
>she drags me back to the car
>she drives us home
>she tells me i'm her gf now
>so i have to be used to that sort of thing happening
>i tell her maybe i don't want to be her gf
>she ignores me
>she pulls me into the bedroom
>she rips my clothes off
>she tears my flesh
>she feeds on me
>she fucks me
>she has a purple pussy
>i always knew
>goth girls have pastel purple pussies
>i'm on death's door
>she has my blood coursing through her
>she has a chicagan's blood coursing through her
>she has vampire blood coursing through her
>she's probably the most scary and powerful person on the planet
>she gives me a drop of her blood
>i feel invincible!
>i feel like i could take on da whol' world!
>i do
>i take 100mg of adderall
>i drink 40 beers
>i eat 40 pizzas
>i run 40 miles
>my sister asks me if i’m using
>i tell her no way
>i’m straight-edge for life
>i’ve kicked the habit!
>i’m clean and sober!
>i’m making it rain with my sobriety coins!
>she says i’m acting weird
>i say she’s acting weird
>we start throwing things at each other
>she says she’s going to tell Kate Hex on me
>Kate Hex is the Mistress of our coven
>i tell her if she does i’ll go in her room and snap all her little horse figurines
>that stops her
>she just stares at me
>i tell her ok that i'm consorting with a vampire
>but that it’s okay
>she’s just not allowed to say anything
>i tell her i can see who i want.
>she doesn't respond
>she just stares at me
>i ask her if she's giving me the silent treatment
>she doesn't say anything
>i poke her
>she doesn't react
>she just stares at me
>i sidle my way out of the room
>i get away
>nasty little brat
>i run back to my slurpee vampire goth gf
>i’m just free to do me
>i’m free to be myself
>i tell her what happened
>she doesn't give a shit
>she just grabs me
>she throws me on the bed
>she climbs on top of me
>she starts sucking me
>she is drinking me
>she is fucking me
>this isn't really what i expected
>i was hping we were going to just hang out
>but she gives me another drop of her blood at the end of it
>i feel great
>i feel powerful
>i feel like i can take on the world
>but i look at myself in the mirror
>i don't look powerful
>i don't look stunning
>i don't look like i can take on the world
>i look kind of like i’m cracked out
>but i still FEEL like i have a lot of power
>and FEELING trumps BEING
>i'm late for community college
>i hurry to my french 202 night course
>but i can’t concentrate on anything
>i’m dizzy
>the fluorescent lighting is giving me a headache
>everything is blurry and smoovy
>i keep nodding off
>i keep waking up
>i tell myself i'm probably one of the three most powerful beings on the planet
>i see my slurpee goth vampire gf in a tree out the window
>i wave hi
>she's so ravishing
>i start covertly masturbating
>but pretty soon
>i am cumming in class
>and the other students are staring at me
>they all know
>they all know that i am a vampire's slut
>and it makes it really extra hot
>the professor is glaring at me
>she calls me out
>she yells at me
>i ask her if this is really the appropriate way to treat someone who is clearly having a psychic break
>she doesn't respond
>she just glares at me
>i say i just don’t think this sort of thing is really that out of the ordinary for a community college setting
>she kinda relents
>she goes back to teaching
>class ends
>i go to the library
>i curl up in the stacks
>they shut down the library
>they turn off all the lights
>i'm snoozing
>i'm having a snooze
>it feels really nice
>i don't want to go home because my slurpee vampire goth gf will suck and fuck me
>i don't want that
>i want to be alone
>i want to sleep
>i want to dream
>i'm startled awake
>she's standing above me
>she has her fangs out
>she is dripping with blood
>she is licking her lips
>she is looking at me
>she is smiling
>i say "hey"
>she doesn't respond
>she just smiles
>i say i was just havin a snooze
>in the library
>she grabs me
>she throws me on the floor
>she straddles me
>i just
>want
>some sleep
>i grab a copy of "the oxford english dictionary"
>i wham her with it
>she doesn't move
>she just looks at me
>she is smiling
>she is drooling
>she is sucking on me
>i look up the term "vampire" in the oxford english dictionary
>it says that "vampire" is "a being from folklore that subsists on the blood of the living"
>i really should have done my research ahead of time
>i thought it was just a subgenre of goth girls
>i should have been a good girl and read "the oxford english dictionary"
>i should have learned what "the oxford english dictionary" said about vampires
>i should have learned from the oxfords
>i should have taken the oxford's wisdom to heart
>they were only trying to warn me
>the good people of oxford
>i'm so weak
>i need that drop of her vampire blood
>i need it
>i want it
>i beg her for it
>she doesn't give it to me
>she just smiles
>she just
>smiles.
>she is so ravishing
>i throw myself at her
>she doesn’t share
>she doesn’t touch a little droplet of blood to my tongue
>she doesn’t spit a gob down into my mouth
>she just
>smile
>i start getting angry >I start getting furious >i start raging >i start to scream >i shriek "i NEED THAT BLOOD!" >i lunge at her >she disappears >i run straight into the bookstacks >the stacks domino >i don’t care >i’m stuck fumbling over shelves and books >i start tearing the books impeding me >i start throwing the books >i am tearing and ripping books >i am slipping and sliding over piles of books >i am splitting them >i am bending them >i am cracking and splitting and biting the books >i am tearing pages and throwing them into the air >i am destroying the library >i am destroying myself >my fingers are bleeding >i'm wailing >i am throwing computer monitors out the windows >i am shattering the windows >my jaw is clenched so tight my teeth are squealing >i am destroying the library >i am >destroying >myself >someone calls security >an officer arrives >i am destroying the library >the officer shines a flashlight in my eyes >i am blinded >i need darkness >i need sleep >i am >destroying >myself >he orders me to stop >i tell him i can't >i am stumbling through the library >i am thrashing >i am tearing >i am overturning desks >i am shattering bulbs >i am tearing down dividers >the officer tackles me >i am ravening >he handcuffs me >i am coughing blood >my heart can’t keep up >my breathing can’t keep up >i am worming around trying to work my diaphram >i can’t scream >they put me on a gurney >they put me into an ambulance >they take me to the hospital >they put me in a hospital bed >they strap me down >they give me thorazine >they give me lorazepam >they tell me that i will be monitored >they tell me i will be watched >it's actually super cozy >i like hospitals >it's late and everyone's sleepy >i can't sleep >i'm just staring into the lovely hospital hallway >i love the ambient lighting of hospitals at night >i love being in a dark hospital room >i love that a little nurse in a cute little baby blue nurse uniform comes and checks on me now and then >i can't really speak >i just smile at her >my gums are all dry >my lips are all cracked >and my smile makes a bunch of messy glistening and popping saliva noises >she doesn't really smile back >but i don’t mind >i have time to stop and think >i think about how this all started >and i don’t think i resurrected my eaten, raped, gored gf at all >i think she was always a vampire gf >i think she was a little vampire bun >in the oven >regenerating her wounds >and by the time i slurpee’d her up she was done cooking >i think the Mouth of the Mountain Coven were playing a trick on me is all >it’s just a fun little trick covens play on each other >dropping a vampire off >it’s a witch thing >you probably don’t understand >it was a really good trick >but it was still a really good trade, i think, on my part >and if i were further along in necromancy >it could have been really profitable for me >but i don’t think i resurrected or turned her into a vampire at all >i think i’m just a crazy person >i’m just a stupid crazy loser >and i'm still thinking about how nice that nurse is to come in and look at me even if she doesn't want to stop and chat >i look out the window >my slurpee vampire goth gf is perched on the street lamp >at that moment, i realize that i hate her >i hate her >i hate her >i hate her >i miss being a good witch >i liked her better when she was an oozy ooze girl >i pray to Mother Mary >i ask Mary why she did this to me >she doesn't answer >she just looks down at me >she is sad >she is disappointed >she is disgusted >she is >disgusterino >i am >disgusterino >with myself >i just wanted tfw big tiddy goth gf >my slurpee vampire goth gf is in the room with me now >she's smokin' a cigarette >she has 3 piercings in her nose >she has 3 earrings >she has 3 lip rings >she has 3 tattoos >her tattoos are of:- a skull
- a snake
- a heart
Part 2
>we drive through an abandoned part of town >we get to a motel >it’s early morning >it’s the golden hour >the light is thin and sharp >my eyes won't focus >they get me into bed >they turn off the lights >they black out the windows >Victory and Valorie are stroking my hair >They are spooning next to me on the bed >in my blood-stained clothing >my bullet-ridden clothes >i tell them they’re really beautiful >i tell them that they are badass >i tell them i’m really angry that they ruined my good clothes >they say in time these minor infractions will heal >i say i’m glad >i ask them if they can stop borrowing my clothes >they say no >i can't sleep >we can’t sleep >i am in agony >V&V are in agony >Kate Hex has gone to get assistance >it's a hideously tall woman >she stoops into the motel room >she's green >she’s wearing a wide brim hat like kate’s >her face is dark and obscured >but i can see her thin smile >she tells me i look "a little under the weather" >"fufk youf" i gurgle >she handles V&V >she looks up and down their wounds >she tears their (my) clothes off >she cuts through their skin with her fingernail >she puts her fingers into their wounds >she claws out shards of metal and rubble glittering with blood >she wrings black blood out of their wounds >she wrenches bones back into place >she plucks their hair >she twists it into rope >she stitches their wounds with their hair >then she lays her giant clawed hand on me >she asks my name >I tell her i don’t know >she tells me she’s my mother >i say i don’t know >she says i have a birthmark that looks like indochina along my right hip going up into my belly >i don’t tell her i have a birthmark that looks like indochina along my right hip going up into my belly >she says i was born under a full moon >i say okay that’s pretty cool >she says i was born to be a witch >i say i know >she says i have it in me to beat this >but there’s something very wrong in me >something that can’t snapped back into place >it can only be clawed and deformed into new shapes >it’s something that can never be cured >i think i’m hallucinating >she envelopes my head in her claws >she feels around inside my mouth with her long bony finger >it goes down my throat >i’m gulking >it keeps going >i’m wretching >i’m puking >it just feels really good to puke >i keep puking past her long, meaty finger >i puke harder and harder >i’m straining against the chains in my effort to puke >my muscles are seizing >she hits a little reset button down at the center of my being >i black out >i dream of my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >she's pouring slurpee blood from her eyes >she's pouring slurpee blood from her wounds >her head is cleft in two >she's in a tree outside the window of the motel >she's watching me >all night long i see her >she doesn't move >only the swaying trees >i wake up >i'm chained to the bed >the freakishly tall woman is sitting in the armchair across the room >in the dark >she asks me if i want anything >"blood." i say >she asks me if i'm going to try and drink her blood if she lets me go >i say yeah >i'm so tired >i feel the weight of the world on me >i tell her i want to go back to my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >she asks me if i want to die >i say i don't want to die i want to go live with my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >i ask what the big deal is >she doesn’t answer >i say "yeah!" >i say "she wants to turn me into a vampire!" >i say "yeah!" >i'm getting kind of freaked! >i'm getting kind of mad >i'm starting to rage >i'm straining against the chains >i tell her she's gross and green and ugly >i tell her she’s a bad mother >i tell her she left me >i tell her she left me to take care of the Canary on my own >i tell her i’m going to piss on her >i start pissing >it’s all just pooling up around me >i start jolting around to try and get it to splash at her >i just pissed myself >it’s really unhelpful to my condition >i have made things demonstrably worse for myself >she stands up >she looks down at me >she says she’s not that type of mother >she says she’s a dark and terrible mother >she says that she’s always been there >she says we’ll always be together >i'm just thinking about sex with my slurpee vampire goth GF >i'm thinking about how hot it would be to fuck my slurpee vampire goth GF >i'm thinking about how hot it would be if she bit me and turned me into a vampire >i’m thinking about how hot it would be if my slurpee vampire goth GF sat on my face >this tall green lady smells like giantess pussy >like a big bowl of warm yoghurt >i need to get out of here >i ask Mother Mary how to get out of these chains >she says ‘read the bible, lol” >i tell the green lady who says she’s my mom “hey green mommy-lady, would you check the nightstands for a bible.’ >she checks the nightstands >she finds a bible left by the gideon society >i ask her if she’ll read it to me >she says sure >i tell her to open it to a random page >she opens it to Acts 16:26 >she reads it aloud >she says “suddenly there was a great commotion” >her voice is trembling and gravel >”that the foundations of the prison were shaken” >and it rolls in lubricant dental popping and clicking >”that all at once the prison door’s flew open!” >and it sounds like someone driving a car through a building >”and everyone’s chains were loosed!” >and the room is shaking >the fixtures are rattling >the leg of the bed snaps >the mattress lurches and slides onto its side >V&V tumble over me >they wake up screaming >i start to wriggle free >"i have the power of Christ!" i’m shrieking >i grab one of v&v’s machetes >i start swinging it at them and they scramble away >i start hacking away at the mattress >i'm tearing this thing apart >i have to get out of here >i'm spitting at them >i’m screaming at them >i'm tearing huge chunks of foam out of the motel mattress >i'm squeezing my way out >i'm wrenching myself free >they’re all too exhausted to do anything >i rattle my machete at the enormous green lady >she withdraws to a corner of the room like a dark shadowy octopus >she just smiles at me >i tell her she's gross and green and extra dumb for an old person >i escape into the thin mountain air of reno >into the fading light of dusk >i don’t feel much pain and I don’t really feel any relief >i’m going to be broken for life >i scramble barefoot through dirty, rusting industrial backroads >over nails and barbwire and railroad ties >into a dingy, decaying factory with smashed windows >I take shelter under a table >i know she's coming >i hear the tinkling and chinkling of footsteps on glass >it's my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >i crawl to her >I love her >she's gonna murder me >I know >but she seems so nice >I just don’t want to hurt anymore >i grab onto her >i hang from her >we hear some fluttering coming from the dark corner of the abandoned factory >there's an old barn owl >it takes wing >for a moment, it flies right for me >it’s so terrifying >you can see their intelligence >in their eyes >it lands on a hunk of dusty wood >it's wing is hurt >i'm suddenly scared >my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF approaches it >i’m scared she’ll kill it >it's so wonderful >you can’t kill something that intelligent >it has a soul >she sees that it has trouble flying >she goes closer >I can hear her say >“he's weak.” >“she goes even closer >her hand is open and empty >she leans in closer to it >I love my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >but I want it to live >she brings it up into her arms >she embraces it >she bends down, pressing her ear to it >its little owl head is swivelling around in her arms >she takes a deep breath >the owl flutters in her arms >she’s sobbing now >her crying makes her hold the bird too tight >it pecks her >it gets away >she catches it in midair >it claws at her >it bites her >she screams >she freaks >it flies up over the rusty corrugated paneling >and out the broken windows >her howling echoes and amplifies throughout the factory >the owl is gone >there’s nothing left but us >nothing left but this cold, dead world >and the pain >of nothing >everything is wrong >i just wanted to be happy with my stupid slurpee vampire gf >i stumble into her arms >she drives her face down into my armpit >it’s still damp with tears >she runs her face over my chest >over my breasts >over my clavicles >over my shoulders >over the hollow of my neck >she pulls away >she wipes my tears away >she tries to smile >her face is full of blood >her face is all puffy >my blood is everywhere >on her face, on my shirt >on the floor >on the walls >on the ceiling >a blue-green mist glows on the floor >it grows in folds >I don't want to look >I need to look >as the mist grows thicker, >it spreads outward >growing bigger and bigger >in more fulsome clouds >I try to run from it >it surrounds me >i’m frozen >I can't get free >nothing is left >everything is wrong >nothing is real >there’s nothing left >just pain >and the cold >and my Slurpee Vampire Goth GFPart 3
>be me, Mistrial the Vampire
>i became a stupid vampire
>i became the world’s dumbest vampire
>i’m not even really a vampire
>my body is a vampire
>the real me, my soul, is trapped in a clammy, foggy realm of dumb, undead fogginess
>i’m more of a
>i’m Mistrial the Gaseous Shade
>i have to witness my stupid vampire body going out and doing treacherous things
>it’s going after my friends
>it’s going after my loved ones
>it’s going after strangers
>it’s going after people of other ethnicities
>it’s going after the homeless
>it’s going after the elderly
>it’s going after the sick
>it’s going after the disabled
>my FORMER body hangs out a lot with my FORMER Slurpee Vampire Goth GF
>they go and drink blood together
>they fuck all the time
>they have lots of fun
>without me
>but if i’m here, removed from the world,
>then maybe other vampires are too!
>i start swishing around in the void
>i swish
>i swoosh
>is swish
>i’m getting into a rhythm
>whenever my right arm goes swoosh
>i swissehhshs to the left
>whenever my left leg seheweoohsh
>i go sOWhoeehhwowh
>i meet another vampire-possessed soul doing a timeout in the fog
>i say “hey!”
>she says “hey. I feel like i know you.”
>i say “why”
>she says “you saved my life once.”
>i ask how
>she says she lost her parents in a car accident
>she says i swoosed down on my broom
>she says i took her to the hospital
>she says i hugged her
>she says i visited her all the time
>she says i was there when she was relearning everything
>anyways,
>she was really thankful
>i say damn
>well,
>that’s very meaningful
>i forgot that i was a cool and valiant person in life
>now i’m a stinky vamper
>the other soul says yeah
>i swoosh away
>i meet another soul
>i say hey
>they say yeah
>i say so this is the vampire-possessed afterlife
>they say yeah, i was dying of cancer, so this is an okay alternative
>i say yeah
>i say that’s a big yeah from me.
>they ask me how i became a vampire
>i say oh i just really wanted to fuck one
>they say oh yeah that too, me too
>i swoooooooooooooce away
>i’m really getting my steps in today!
>i meet another soul
>she tells me she has been really depressed
>she says that i’m kind of bothering her
>she just wants to focus on what her stupid vampire-self is doing back on earth
>i say yeah, i won’t stick around too long
>i ask her what she would have done differently with her life
>she says she would have been kinder to everyone she knew
>i tell her that she probably did the best she could
>she says no probably not
>i tell her i have a solution to her problems that will always make her happy
>she says that sounds stupid
>i swoooooce around
>i swooce and swooosh and sschwiiiffffffffff
>i’m a crazy ballerina of the vampire-possessed loser lounge!
>i’m painting broad strokes with my numb, foggy, loser legs!
>i’m a one-person concerto!..
>...concerta!(?)
>i settle back down next to her
>she looks at me
>at least i think she’s looking at me
>she’s looks kind of like a bruised, nebulous fog
>she starts crying
>i was hoping for a better result
>she says she’s crying over me
>she thinks i’m such a beautiful person and she’s sorry i ended up here
>i say i think she’s the most beautiful person in loser heaven
>i ask her what her name is
>she says it’s Heathcliff
>i say like the cartoon
>she says yeah, like the orange cat from the cartoons
>but not the fat one
>they’re both fat i say
>she says but only one has the reputation of being fat
>i can’t argue
>she asks my name
>i tell her it’s Mistrial
>i feel the moisture content of purgatory bloom a few degrees
>i feel her rush up into me
>i can feel her moist cloud mingle and doodle with mine
>i can feel
>i can feel
>i know now
>i know now that this is my slushee vampire goth gf!
>she says she can feel me, too!
>the moisture content of the cloud rises!
>i say i think i’m peeing!
>she says i think i am too!
>i’m a cloud peeing in a cloud!
>i say this is the best day of my life!
>she says i’m not alive!
>i say oh right!
