HTML FAERIE Welcome to the Wonderful Magic Misadventures of Mistrial the Witch! HTML FAERIE REVERSE

WARNING Trigger Warning - All Triggers! - All of them! WARNING


>Be me, Mistrial >this is the story of how i became a witch >it’s raining >the hill behind my house collapses >it’s gushing mudwater >it spills out a casket >the casket floats down to my house in the floodwater >the casket is bumping against the side of my house >it rolls, captured in the pooling water >it upturns >the casket lid swivels ajar >the body knocks around inside >i see its face >its face is my face >”Canary!” I call, “There’s a dead body out there that looks like me!” >She’s in the furthest part of the house. >“I don’t care!” She calls back, “I don’t care at all!” >I tell her there’s a dead body out here that looks like her too. >She comes running. >“Where?” She asks. >“Look, doesn’t it look just like me?” >“Oh, yeah. It really does. Spooky. Where’s the one that looks like me?” >“There isn’t one. I just wanted you to come look.” >The Canary stomps off. >“Don’t you think this might be kind of important?” I ask. >“Yeah. To you. Good luck with it, Missy.” >”What?” >”It’s clearly a sign intended for you and you alone! It’s the unconscious motions of the mystic world confronting you, personally, with your direct ancestor - a dead reckoning of accounts you need to settle! Check the clothes, what era do you think they’re from? Ask yourself, why this ancestor and why at this time in my life? Maybe you can put it to good use.” >“I’m guessing 1910’s” I say, looking at the detailing on the brocade. >the Canary shrugs >she goes back to her room >she’s like thirteen years old and she’s already saying profound things about ‘the mystical experience’ >what a brat >anyways >the earliest, or oldest, known relative we have would be Sabka Zvan >witch, astrologer, astronomer, and institutionalized psychic control subject >but that’s another story. >Anyways, instead of taking it metaphorically like how the Canary wanted, i take it literal and “put (the body) to good use” >i wade out into the floodwaters and collect the old biddy >i set her up in the parlor >i sit across from her >i tent my fingers >her skin’s all wrinkly and looks like sandpaper >she’s a shriveled little sandpaper woman >i touch her up with a bit of foundation >actually a lot of foundation >some toner >i slut her up with some blush >add mascara >fill out her eyelashes >fill out her eyebrows >add eyeliner >add lip liner >eye shadow gradients >she looks like she could fit in >she looks like she could fit in in sturgis >i could set her up at a slot machine >with some dark sunglasses and a cigarette >she’s wearing a black wedding dress >not really a conventional wedding dress >it was just her best dress at the time >so she got married in it >and widowed in it >and buried in it >i furrow my brow >i lean in >the candles in the room burst into flame >her head drops off and rolls into her lap >her eyes glow green >she starts speaking >she says my little sister is a punk >i say yeah that kid is a punk >she tells me i’m a punk >i say hold on now >she says she has a lot of really cool spells >she says she doesn’t want to train me to use them >she says i don’t deserve them >i say hold on now gam gam >she says she’ll do it anyway >she tells me to go fetch a good stick >i fetch a really good stick >she tells me now whip yourself with it >i tell her i can’t really whip myself >she says DO IT >i give it a few tries >but i always kind of hold back whether i want to or not >i’m not very good at it >i say it's like tickling yourself, gam gam, you can't really do it >she’s not impressed >she turns the stick into a snake >the snake bites me >i scream >i scream “aaaa” >the snake slithers into the walls of the house >i say gam gam why did you do that >she’s cackling >i’m not sure if this is a witch thing >or a mean victorian woman thing >it’s kind of funny though >i start laughing >she stops >she says it’s not funny anymore >i ask her if the snake was poisonous >she starts cackling again >i laugh a little too >but i feel like dying >next, she tells me to look under my bed >i look under my bed >there’s a dead raccoon >i say gam gam that’s not funny >she’s cackling >she says it’s a dead raccoon >she’s cackling >i’m thinking i’m seeing why the earth spit her ass back out >i tell her gam gam, that’s wrong >she tells me i’m going to rot in the ground if i don’t do what she says >i say damn shawty, okay >she says set up a blank canvas against the wall >i set up a blank canvas against the wall >she tells me to go fetch a live cat >i say gam gam i don’t like where this is going >an invisible switch whips across my thighs >i jump up >i shout ow >i shout okay gam gam okay >i get hit with another invisible switch in my arm fat >ow i say okay i’m doing it >i’m doing it >i run out of the house >i bring a cat back to gam gam >gam gam tells me bring her a little bird >i go out and get her a little bird >she tells me to go out and get a small horse >i want to tell gam gam that’s not really feasible >but i think she’s just going to whip me if i try that >i leave the house >i’m pretty sure stealing a horse falls under a greater classification of crime than some petty larceny >i think it can either go down in the books as a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the value of the horse >i think a small horse is probably pretty valuable >like, not for its resale value >its resale value is probably shit >but its value as a pet or personal companion or lawn decoration or as a show horse >that value is hard to nail down and can probably get pretty steep depending on how good their lawyers are >and horse people always have really good lawyers >but i do live near horse country >so they must be in the area >it’s just most people keep their horses deep in their property >some have roadside pastures >you do see them >but i just haven't seen a small horse in a roadside pasture >i start calling around to different churches >a lot of church going folk are horse people >i tell them i'm looking for a small horse >i say it's for a girl’s birthday party >i get in contact with a woman with a small horse >i go and meet the horse >we all get along really well >the woman, the horse, and i play a lot >we laugh a lot >we have a great time >we go on a picnic >we drink local wine >we eat humboldt cheese >we eat truckee sourdough >i meet all the horse’s herd >they show me how fast they are >they show me how strong they are >they show me how well-behaved they are >they’re all wonderful horses >anyways, so i steal the horse >i take it back to gam gam >gam gam instructs me to kill them all >so i kill them all >she says to scoop out all their guts >i have to scoop out all their guts >she says i have to eat the guts >i say gam gam please >she says EAT IT >so i eat the guts >this is no small feat >i mean, the bird guts and the cat guts go down lickety-split >but i’m in there for the long haul chewing away at a big udon pile of horse guts >i have never since cared much for the taste of horse guts >i also drink their blood >then she tells me to eat a bunch of black powder >so i eat a bunch of black powder >and i rub it into my eyes so my eyes are all smoked and femme fatale >gam gam tells me to draw a magic circle and sit within it with the cat's eyes >i draw a magic circle and sit in it with a cat eye in each hand >black smoke covers me >my face >my hair >my body >i erupt in flames >this is very bad >i scream! >i breathe in the fire! >it’s burning my esophagus! >it’s burning my stomach! >it ignites the black powder! >my scream sounds like a gunshot! >the ignition of my scream burns a portrait of me into the canvas against the wall! >my stomach explodes! >my guts erupt! >i collapse into a heap of smoking smoldering gruel! >i’m in unfathomable agony! >i burn into dust! >gam gam is cackling! >gam gam is chuckling! >gam gam is hooting! >her horrible laughter calls to me from beyond the veil! >it speaks of an evil i have known my whole life! >it says that i am defeated! >it says i am humiliated >i say i am never defeated! >i say i am never humiliated! >a secret and untapped defiance grows within me! >i say i am a witch! >I crawl from the ashes! >i scrape along the wood floor! >I garble GAM GAM, THAT HURT YOU CUNT >i am reforming myself from the ashes! >I grab gam gam’s head >i drop-kick it out the window >i take her body >i am trailing ashes and black flake >i walk it out to the dumpster >i toss it in like a broken kite >i go online >i check reddit and google and twitter and 4chan and the youtube comments section of zz-top, (normally very supportive) >i ask everyone if they’ve had a problem with relatives doing this sort of stuff >they say no >they start telling me normal family problems >i say well fuck >i tell them they’re all super-privileged and i’m SO HAPPY their lives worked out so nicely for them >i tell them i have no control over my actions >i tell them i’m stuck in a wheelchair >i tell them i have sticks for hands >i slam the laptop shut >i hate internet people!


>Be me, Mistrial the Good Witch >i have cat's eyes >i have a horse's strength >i can fly on a broom >i'm vibing >i'm playing the tarot >i'm drinking >i'm smoking >i'm super cool >suddenly someone kicks my door open >it's some girls from the Mouth of the Mountain Coven >i say hey guys what’s up >they want to sell me a dead body >it's a goth girl >they throw her over my card table >my card table shatters into smithereens! >they she's been dead for 3 days >they say she was eaten by wolves >they say she was raped by bears >they say she was gored by boar >she still looks pretty good though for someone who was eaten, raped, and gored >i ask how much they want for her >they say 5,000 dollars >i tell them i don't have 5,000 >i offer them some malt liquor and cigarettes >they accept >they leave >Mistrial the Groovy Witch! >i am lovin' life >i am livin' large >i am havin' a ball >i am givin' it my all >i am bein' nice >i am feelin' fine >now what do i do with this dead girl >i think i'll take her to my house >i'll put her in my freezer >i'll keep her there >i'll make her into ice cubes >i read Essentials of Modern Necromancy vol. 2 >they suggest i resurrect her >i don't want to do that >i want her to be an ice cube >i want her to be a cool drink >but i determine to do it >i assemble my spell components >i get a pen >i get a quill >i get my cauldron >i begin writing >i write "i am creatin' a zambie" >i write "i am changin' her into a zamb" >i look at my spell components >i sigh >i am exasperated >i don’t have any zombie making spell components >i root around in the spell component pantry for anything that might make do >i come up with a jar of peanut butter >i open the jar >i dip my quill into the jar >i start writing >i write "i am creamin' a zambie" >i write "i am writin' in peenie paste" >i look at my quill >it is crusted with peanut butter >i am disgusted >i am no closer to resurrecting this eaten, raped, gored goth girl as a zamboni >i run my peanut butter crusted hands through my hair >i grip the folds of my peanut buttery hair in frustration >i think about jesus >i think about how he sacrificed himself for our sins >i wonder if he regretted it >i wonder how jesus resurrected himself >i bet he used peanut butter somehow >i pray to Mother Mary >i ask her how to resurrect a person >she answers >she says "peanut butter" >i am shocked >i am amazed >i am overjoyed >i slather up the eaten, raped, gored goth girl in peanut butter >i wait >i watch >i am awed >i am astounded >i am stupefied >i am flabbergasted >i am dumbfounded >i am dumfounded >she sits up >she is oozing with ooze >she is oozing with oozy ooze! >i ask her how she's doing >she is oozing with ooze >she is oozing with oozy ooze >i say "let's go do something fun!" >she oozes >we go to the tower theatre >we see a reshowing of ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK >i am lovin' it >i am likin' it >i am havin' a blast >i turn to ooze girl >she oozes >i love her so much >i tell her she's perfect >she oozzes with ooz >i am lovin' it >we drive to an overlook >i’m thinking i'm going to make my move >i look over at my ooze girl >she oozzes with ooz >i slide over on the bench seats >i stretch and yawn >i very slickly put my arm around her >she oozzes with ooz >i say "i love you" >she oozzes with ooz >i kiss her >i kiss her deeply >she oozzes with ooz >i hold her >i put my hand down her shirt >she oozzes with ooz >i unbutton her shirt >she oozzes with ooz >i undo her bra >she oozzes with ooz >i slip off her pants >she ooozes with ooooz >i put my hands down her undies >she ooozes with oooooz >i start humping her leg >she ooozes with ooooooz >i start licking her >she ooozes with ooooooz >i moan >she oooozes with oooooooooz! >i'm cumming just from dry humping this raped, and gored goth girl crusted in peanut butter! >i say "oh god!" and explode like a whole geyser of cum >she ooozzles out ooooo0000000000ooooozz! >what a perfect night >but something’s not right >something isn’t perfect >my eaten, raped, gored zombie goth gf is just a regular old eaten, raped, gored zombie goth gf person! >when she could be an eaten, raped, gored VAMPIRE goth GF! >i pray to Mother Mary >i ask Mary how to make her a vampire >she answers >she says "use the 7-11 slurpee machine" >that's convenient because we're parked near a 7-11 >i walk my eaten, raped, gored zombie oozegirl gf to the 7-11 >we go in >i try to look sober >the cashier looks at me >she sees my ate, raped, gored goth ghoul oozing with ooey ooey ooey ooey ooey ooey >she asks me if i am drunk >i say no >she asks why i am buying 7-11 slurpees >i explain that i am trying to turn my my ate, raped, gored goth ghoul gf into a vampire >i explain she is oozing with ooh ooh ooh >i explain she is oozing with oooooooooh! >i ask the cashier where she is from >she is from chicago >i ask what chicago's favorite candy is >she says wrigley gum >i buy a stick of wrigley gum >i buy one of each flavor of slurpee >the flavors are: >i take them all home with my oooey oozy eaten, raped, gored, goth ghoulfriend >i pour all the slurpees into my cauldron >i push my ooey gooey eaten, raped, gored goth zombie ghoul into the cauldron >she disappears into the icy mixture! >i stir >i stir >i stir her around >i sing a song of stirring >i am living my best life >i pull my broom out and flourish it around >it is painting my room in psychedelic slurpee >i tap the broom handle on the cauldron >i exhort her to rise >she rises >she is oozing with slurpee! >she has vampire teeth! >she has bat wings! >she has vampire blood! >she's beautiful! >she is ravishing! >i ask her how she's feeling >she says she's a vampire >she says vampires don't feel anything >she chuckles >she chortles >she snorts >wow i say >she's just like me >fr, fr >i chuckle >i chortle >i snort >i ask her what she wants to do >she says she wants to suck my dick >i say i’m not that type of girl >i ask if she's hungry >she is >i offer her some 7-11 cherry slurpee >she drinks it down >she says "that was good, but i kind of need some blood" >I say i don't have any >she says i have lots >i disagree >she disagrees >she thinks i have lots of blood >she thinks i’m withholding my blood >she thinks i’m being selfish >i explain to her that when i turned her into a vampire i was generally thinking she'd drink other people's blood >she is disappointed >she is disconsolate >she is despondent >i want to cheer her up >i'd do anything for my ravishing slurpee vampire goth gf >i am wracked with guilt >i am filled with remorse >i am awash in shame >i say "i know! i'll find you a person whose blood you can suck!" >i grab a bottle of smokehead scotch >it has a cute little skull on it >we drink it all >we're scotched up >we are rarin' to go >we drunk drive around sacramento looking for someone to feed on >we drive by 7-11 >we see the 7-11 clerk >i say "why don't you go suck the 7-11 clerk from CHI-CAH-GY" >she is rarin' to suck the 7-11 clerk from boston >she gets out >she's so ravishing! >she's going to suck the blood from the girl clerk from chicago! >i watch from the car >i'm very excited >i see them talking >i see em kiss >they fall behind the counter >i hear em moan >i wonder if this is part of the process >i suppose vampires have to seduce their victims >but it feels kind of like my slurpee vampire goth gf is cheating on me >i've never cheated on her >i get out of the car >i go in to confront them >they are full on making out under the counter >i say "what the fuck are you doing?" >they stop kissing >the girl says "i was gonna ask you the same thing" >i grip the neck of my smokehead scotch >i hammer her in the head with it >she flails >i kick her >i stomp her >i rip her >my slurpee vampire goth gf is excited by the violence! >she jumps on me! >she bites me >she sucks me >she drains me >this isn't really how i was expecting this to go down >the clerk has stuffed a bunch of birthday cake ice cream into a big bag of chips and is using it as an ice pack on the big goose egg i gave her on the side of her head >she seems pretty smug >is this really what dating a vampire is like? >my slurpee vampire gf is still hungry >she pounces on the clerk >she drinks her blood >she takes her shoes >the shoes are really nice >they're uggs >i want uggs >i think i'll buy uggs >she drags me back to the car >she drives us home >she tells me i'm her gf now >so i have to be used to that sort of thing happening >i tell her maybe i don't want to be her gf >she ignores me >she pulls me into the bedroom >she rips my clothes off >she tears my flesh >she feeds on me >she fucks me >she has a purple pussy >i always knew >goth girls have pastel purple pussies >i'm on death's door >she has my blood coursing through her >she has a chicagan's blood coursing through her >she has vampire blood coursing through her >she's probably the most scary and powerful person on the planet >she gives me a drop of her blood >i feel invincible! >i feel like i could take on da whol' world! >i do >i take 100mg of adderall >i drink 40 beers >i eat 40 pizzas >i run 40 miles >my sister asks me if i’m using >i tell her no way >i’m straight-edge for life >i’ve kicked the habit! >i’m clean and sober! >i’m making it rain with my sobriety coins! >she says i’m acting weird >i say she’s acting weird >we start throwing things at each other >she says she’s going to tell Kate Hex on me >Kate Hex is the Mistress of our coven >i tell her if she does i’ll go in her room and snap all her little horse figurines >that stops her >she just stares at me >i tell her ok that i'm consorting with a vampire >but that it’s okay >she’s just not allowed to say anything >i tell her i can see who i want. >she doesn't respond >she just stares at me >i ask her if she's giving me the silent treatment >she doesn't say anything >i poke her >she doesn't react >she just stares at me >i sidle my way out of the room >i get away >nasty little brat >i run back to my slurpee vampire goth gf >i’m just free to do me >i’m free to be myself >i tell her what happened >she doesn't give a shit >she just grabs me >she throws me on the bed >she climbs on top of me >she starts sucking me >she is drinking me >she is fucking me >this isn't really what i expected >i was hping we were going to just hang out >but she gives me another drop of her blood at the end of it >i feel great >i feel powerful >i feel like i can take on the world >but i look at myself in the mirror >i don't look powerful >i don't look stunning >i don't look like i can take on the world >i look kind of like i’m cracked out >but i still FEEL like i have a lot of power >and FEELING trumps BEING >i'm late for community college >i hurry to my french 202 night course >but i can’t concentrate on anything >i’m dizzy >the fluorescent lighting is giving me a headache >everything is blurry and smoovy >i keep nodding off >i keep waking up >i tell myself i'm probably one of the three most powerful beings on the planet >i see my slurpee goth vampire gf in a tree out the window >i wave hi >she's so ravishing >i start covertly masturbating >but pretty soon >i am cumming in class >and the other students are staring at me >they all know >they all know that i am a vampire's slut >and it makes it really extra hot >the professor is glaring at me >she calls me out >she yells at me >i ask her if this is really the appropriate way to treat someone who is clearly having a psychic break >she doesn't respond >she just glares at me >i say i just don’t think this sort of thing is really that out of the ordinary for a community college setting >she kinda relents >she goes back to teaching >class ends >i go to the library >i curl up in the stacks >they shut down the library >they turn off all the lights >i'm snoozing >i'm having a snooze >it feels really nice >i don't want to go home because my slurpee vampire goth gf will suck and fuck me >i don't want that >i want to be alone >i want to sleep >i want to dream >i'm startled awake >she's standing above me >she has her fangs out >she is dripping with blood >she is licking her lips >she is looking at me >she is smiling >i say "hey" >she doesn't respond >she just smiles >i say i was just havin a snooze >in the library >she grabs me >she throws me on the floor >she straddles me >i just >want >some sleep >i grab a copy of "the oxford english dictionary" >i wham her with it >she doesn't move >she just looks at me >she is smiling >she is drooling >she is sucking on me >i look up the term "vampire" in the oxford english dictionary >it says that "vampire" is "a being from folklore that subsists on the blood of the living" >i really should have done my research ahead of time >i thought it was just a subgenre of goth girls >i should have been a good girl and read "the oxford english dictionary" >i should have learned what "the oxford english dictionary" said about vampires >i should have learned from the oxfords >i should have taken the oxford's wisdom to heart >they were only trying to warn me >the good people of oxford >i'm so weak >i need that drop of her vampire blood >i need it >i want it >i beg her for it >she doesn't give it to me >she just smiles >she just >smiles. >she is so ravishing >i throw myself at her >she doesn’t share >she doesn’t touch a little droplet of blood to my tongue >she doesn’t spit a gob down into my mouth >she just
>i start getting angry >I start getting furious >i start raging >i start to scream >i shriek "i NEED THAT BLOOD!" >i lunge at her >she disappears >i run straight into the bookstacks >the stacks domino >i don’t care >i’m stuck fumbling over shelves and books >i start tearing the books impeding me >i start throwing the books >i am tearing and ripping books >i am slipping and sliding over piles of books >i am splitting them >i am bending them >i am cracking and splitting and biting the books >i am tearing pages and throwing them into the air >i am destroying the library >i am destroying myself >my fingers are bleeding >i'm wailing >i am throwing computer monitors out the windows >i am shattering the windows >my jaw is clenched so tight my teeth are squealing >i am destroying the library >i am >destroying >myself >someone calls security >an officer arrives >i am destroying the library >the officer shines a flashlight in my eyes >i am blinded >i need darkness >i need sleep >i am >destroying >myself >he orders me to stop >i tell him i can't >i am stumbling through the library >i am thrashing >i am tearing >i am overturning desks >i am shattering bulbs >i am tearing down dividers >the officer tackles me >i am ravening >he handcuffs me >i am coughing blood >my heart can’t keep up >my breathing can’t keep up >i am worming around trying to work my diaphram >i can’t scream >they put me on a gurney >they put me into an ambulance >they take me to the hospital >they put me in a hospital bed >they strap me down >they give me thorazine >they give me lorazepam >they tell me that i will be monitored >they tell me i will be watched >it's actually super cozy >i like hospitals >it's late and everyone's sleepy >i can't sleep >i'm just staring into the lovely hospital hallway >i love the ambient lighting of hospitals at night >i love being in a dark hospital room >i love that a little nurse in a cute little baby blue nurse uniform comes and checks on me now and then >i can't really speak >i just smile at her >my gums are all dry >my lips are all cracked >and my smile makes a bunch of messy glistening and popping saliva noises >she doesn't really smile back >but i don’t mind >i have time to stop and think >i think about how this all started >and i don’t think i resurrected my eaten, raped, gored gf at all >i think she was always a vampire gf >i think she was a little vampire bun >in the oven >regenerating her wounds >and by the time i slurpee’d her up she was done cooking >i think the Mouth of the Mountain Coven were playing a trick on me is all >it’s just a fun little trick covens play on each other >dropping a vampire off >it’s a witch thing >you probably don’t understand >it was a really good trick >but it was still a really good trade, i think, on my part >and if i were further along in necromancy >it could have been really profitable for me >but i don’t think i resurrected or turned her into a vampire at all >i think i’m just a crazy person >i’m just a stupid crazy loser >and i'm still thinking about how nice that nurse is to come in and look at me even if she doesn't want to stop and chat >i look out the window >my slurpee vampire goth gf is perched on the street lamp >at that moment, i realize that i hate her >i hate her >i hate her >i hate her >i miss being a good witch >i liked her better when she was an oozy ooze girl >i pray to Mother Mary >i ask Mary why she did this to me >she doesn't answer >she just looks down at me >she is sad >she is disappointed >she is disgusted >she is >disgusterino >i am >disgusterino >with myself >i just wanted tfw big tiddy goth gf >my slurpee vampire goth gf is in the room with me now >she's smokin' a cigarette >she has 3 piercings in her nose >she has 3 earrings >she has 3 lip rings >she has 3 tattoos >her tattoos are of: >i say "i really like your tattoos" even though i kind of hate her rn >she says "i know." >i tell her "i think you're beautiful" >she tells me "i don't think so" >i ask her "why?" >she asks me "why?" >i tell her i like the way she smokes a cigarette >i tell her she's very graceful and deadly looking >i say i wish i were graceful and deadly >she comes over to the bed >she straddles me >she tells me she loves me >i am still kind of mad at her >she did this to me >but she is so ravishingly attractive that i stop thinking about it >she tells me she’s going to set me free >i don’t really want that >i say i’m scared of what will happen >i say i was just having a really good time chilling on lorazepam and thorazine in bed >she snaps the handcuff chain >now i have a little handcuff bracelet >and i have a plastic hospital bracelet >i’m hospitalcore >i’m 5150core >she says she wants to turn me into a vampire >i say i i don’t want to be a vampire >i say i want to be a good witch >she says we can't be together unless she turns me into a vampire >i say i just want to be her drooly, dumby, bedraggled ghoul >she says she's going to turn me into a vampire into her little vampire fag >i don't want to be >she takes a little draft from my neck >it feels so good >everything is so beautiful >suddenly my eardrums burst >there’s a blinding flash >when i can see again >part of her cranium is cleft in two >i can see her skull and muscle and blood-matted hair >my slurpee vampire goth gf slumps over the side of the bed >she lurches for the window >she's bursting with fruit flavors! >she’s scrambling to open the window >she knocks the polycarbonate safety windows out >she's showering blood and bone everywhere >she looks so cool getting shot >she leaps out the window >i look over >my Mistress Kate Hex is firing rounds from her S&W into the night >she's looks so cool striding through a swell of gunsmoke >she is scary >she is sexy >she is 6'4" >she is 200lbs >she is 40 years old >she has one eye >her right hand up to her elbow was amputated >sometimes i forget how cool and hot she is >behind her are her daughters Victory and Valorie >they have machetes >they're wearing the enya shirts I picked up at Drexler's >they're wearing my clothes >i'm kind of mad at them >but they did come to rescue me >they help me up out of bed >the nurses stare at us like we're crazy >V&V are like "yeah! we're crazy!" >they are kind of crazy girls >they have a trampoline at their house >sometimes they jump off their roof >and make the angel of death pose >and land on their trampoline >and bound over the fence into the neighbor's yard >it’s really cool >i guess you just have to be there >security guards are after us >police are alerted >i'm so high >V&V look so cool >but they're stretching out my clothes >but they all look so cool it doesn't matter >we're making a break for the car and the exit >we hear the sirens >i tell them i want to go back for my slurpee vampire goth gf >V&V look at me like i'm out of my gourd >we get in the car >i tell Kate Hex i want to go find my slurpee vampire goth gf >she just has a smile on her face like "yeah!" >we peel out in reverse >we screech our way down the winding parking garage >we ground out where the parking garage ramp meets the street >we burst the undercarriage plastics of my mazda >i hear them dragging and rattling across the asphalt >we see a cop >we see a motorcycle cop >they fire on us >they're firing at us >V&V are shot up >it's like their dancing >it's like they're doing a little getting-shot-up dance >Kate Hex hits the motorcycle >it rides up and scrapes its way alongside the length of my car >we swerve through traffic >it feels like we’re driving in circles >it feels like we’re drdiving in the ocean! >kate hex keeps doing turning >and turning >big, hefty turns >my car is covered in blood >i sink down into the leg space and get stuck >i’m looking at all the trash tumbling under the seats as the world turns around me >the mcdonalds fries >the loose change >the plastic bottle caps and wrappers >the crumbs and pubic hairs >i find an unopened packet of wrigley’s gum >it’s chicago’s favorite gum >i unwrap a few sticks >i chew chicago’s favorite gum >it's like a delicate sugar flavor with a hint of mint >it makes me feel kind of better >i sit up >we are driving through the darkness of the night >several times we hear sirens but we never see any cops >we are in the foothills >we are in the mountains >we are running low on gas >V&V are wheezing >V&V are bleeding out >V&V are pale >V&V are pulling bits of bloody tissue off their wounds and throwing them out the window >but V&V are smiling >"where are we going" i ask >"Reno" says Kate Hex >i ask her how she lost her arm >she says it’s still out there somewhere >i ask her if she can still see through the eye she lost like the Graeae >she doesn’t answer >she just keeps driving

Part 2

>we drive through an abandoned part of town >we get to a motel >it’s early morning >it’s the golden hour >the light is thin and sharp >my eyes won't focus >they get me into bed >they turn off the lights >they black out the windows >Victory and Valorie are stroking my hair >They are spooning next to me on the bed >in my blood-stained clothing >my bullet-ridden clothes >i tell them they’re really beautiful >i tell them that they are badass >i tell them i’m really angry that they ruined my good clothes >they say in time these minor infractions will heal >i say i’m glad >i ask them if they can stop borrowing my clothes >they say no >i can't sleep >we can’t sleep >i am in agony >V&V are in agony >Kate Hex has gone to get assistance >it's a hideously tall woman >she stoops into the motel room >she's green >she’s wearing a wide brim hat like kate’s >her face is dark and obscured >but i can see her thin smile >she tells me i look "a little under the weather" >"fufk youf" i gurgle >she handles V&V >she looks up and down their wounds >she tears their (my) clothes off >she cuts through their skin with her fingernail >she puts her fingers into their wounds >she claws out shards of metal and rubble glittering with blood >she wrings black blood out of their wounds >she wrenches bones back into place >she plucks their hair >she twists it into rope >she stitches their wounds with their hair >then she lays her giant clawed hand on me >she asks my name >I tell her i don’t know >she tells me she’s my mother >i say i don’t know >she says i have a birthmark that looks like indochina along my right hip going up into my belly >i don’t tell her i have a birthmark that looks like indochina along my right hip going up into my belly >she says i was born under a full moon >i say okay that’s pretty cool >she says i was born to be a witch >i say i know >she says i have it in me to beat this >but there’s something very wrong in me >something that can’t snapped back into place >it can only be clawed and deformed into new shapes >it’s something that can never be cured >i think i’m hallucinating >she envelopes my head in her claws >she feels around inside my mouth with her long bony finger >it goes down my throat >i’m gulking >it keeps going >i’m wretching >i’m puking >it just feels really good to puke >i keep puking past her long, meaty finger >i puke harder and harder >i’m straining against the chains in my effort to puke >my muscles are seizing >she hits a little reset button down at the center of my being >i black out >i dream of my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >she's pouring slurpee blood from her eyes >she's pouring slurpee blood from her wounds >her head is cleft in two >she's in a tree outside the window of the motel >she's watching me >all night long i see her >she doesn't move >only the swaying trees >i wake up >i'm chained to the bed >the freakishly tall woman is sitting in the armchair across the room >in the dark >she asks me if i want anything >"blood." i say >she asks me if i'm going to try and drink her blood if she lets me go >i say yeah >i'm so tired >i feel the weight of the world on me >i tell her i want to go back to my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >she asks me if i want to die >i say i don't want to die i want to go live with my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >i ask what the big deal is >she doesn’t answer >i say "yeah!" >i say "she wants to turn me into a vampire!" >i say "yeah!" >i'm getting kind of freaked! >i'm getting kind of mad >i'm starting to rage >i'm straining against the chains >i tell her she's gross and green and ugly >i tell her she’s a bad mother >i tell her she left me >i tell her she left me to take care of the Canary on my own >i tell her i’m going to piss on her >i start pissing >it’s all just pooling up around me >i start jolting around to try and get it to splash at her >i just pissed myself >it’s really unhelpful to my condition >i have made things demonstrably worse for myself >she stands up >she looks down at me >she says she’s not that type of mother >she says she’s a dark and terrible mother >she says that she’s always been there >she says we’ll always be together >i'm just thinking about sex with my slurpee vampire goth GF >i'm thinking about how hot it would be to fuck my slurpee vampire goth GF >i'm thinking about how hot it would be if she bit me and turned me into a vampire >i’m thinking about how hot it would be if my slurpee vampire goth GF sat on my face >this tall green lady smells like giantess pussy >like a big bowl of warm yoghurt >i need to get out of here >i ask Mother Mary how to get out of these chains >she says ‘read the bible, lol” >i tell the green lady who says she’s my mom “hey green mommy-lady, would you check the nightstands for a bible.’ >she checks the nightstands >she finds a bible left by the gideon society >i ask her if she’ll read it to me >she says sure >i tell her to open it to a random page >she opens it to Acts 16:26 >she reads it aloud >she says “suddenly there was a great commotion” >her voice is trembling and gravel >”that the foundations of the prison were shaken” >and it rolls in lubricant dental popping and clicking >”that all at once the prison door’s flew open!” >and it sounds like someone driving a car through a building >”and everyone’s chains were loosed!” >and the room is shaking >the fixtures are rattling >the leg of the bed snaps >the mattress lurches and slides onto its side >V&V tumble over me >they wake up screaming >i start to wriggle free >"i have the power of Christ!" i’m shrieking >i grab one of v&v’s machetes >i start swinging it at them and they scramble away >i start hacking away at the mattress >i'm tearing this thing apart >i have to get out of here >i'm spitting at them >i’m screaming at them >i'm tearing huge chunks of foam out of the motel mattress >i'm squeezing my way out >i'm wrenching myself free >they’re all too exhausted to do anything >i rattle my machete at the enormous green lady >she withdraws to a corner of the room like a dark shadowy octopus >she just smiles at me >i tell her she's gross and green and extra dumb for an old person >i escape into the thin mountain air of reno >into the fading light of dusk >i don’t feel much pain and I don’t really feel any relief >i’m going to be broken for life >i scramble barefoot through dirty, rusting industrial backroads >over nails and barbwire and railroad ties >into a dingy, decaying factory with smashed windows >I take shelter under a table >i know she's coming >i hear the tinkling and chinkling of footsteps on glass >it's my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >i crawl to her >I love her >she's gonna murder me >I know >but she seems so nice >I just don’t want to hurt anymore >i grab onto her >i hang from her >we hear some fluttering coming from the dark corner of the abandoned factory >there's an old barn owl >it takes wing >for a moment, it flies right for me >it’s so terrifying >you can see their intelligence >in their eyes >it lands on a hunk of dusty wood >it's wing is hurt >i'm suddenly scared >my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF approaches it >i’m scared she’ll kill it >it's so wonderful >you can’t kill something that intelligent >it has a soul >she sees that it has trouble flying >she goes closer >I can hear her say >“he's weak.” >“she goes even closer >her hand is open and empty >she leans in closer to it >I love my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >but I want it to live >she brings it up into her arms >she embraces it >she bends down, pressing her ear to it >its little owl head is swivelling around in her arms >she takes a deep breath >the owl flutters in her arms >she’s sobbing now >her crying makes her hold the bird too tight >it pecks her >it gets away >she catches it in midair >it claws at her >it bites her >she screams >she freaks >it flies up over the rusty corrugated paneling >and out the broken windows >her howling echoes and amplifies throughout the factory >the owl is gone >there’s nothing left but us >nothing left but this cold, dead world >and the pain >of nothing >everything is wrong >i just wanted to be happy with my stupid slurpee vampire gf >i stumble into her arms >she drives her face down into my armpit >it’s still damp with tears >she runs her face over my chest >over my breasts >over my clavicles >over my shoulders >over the hollow of my neck >she pulls away >she wipes my tears away >she tries to smile >her face is full of blood >her face is all puffy >my blood is everywhere >on her face, on my shirt >on the floor >on the walls >on the ceiling >a blue-green mist glows on the floor >it grows in folds >I don't want to look >I need to look >as the mist grows thicker, >it spreads outward >growing bigger and bigger >in more fulsome clouds >I try to run from it >it surrounds me >i’m frozen >I can't get free >nothing is left >everything is wrong >nothing is real >there’s nothing left >just pain >and the cold >and my Slurpee Vampire Goth GF

Part 3

>be me, Mistrial the Vampire >i became a stupid vampire >i became the world’s dumbest vampire >i’m not even really a vampire >my body is a vampire >the real me, my soul, is trapped in a clammy, foggy realm of dumb, undead fogginess >i’m more of a >i’m Mistrial the Gaseous Shade >i have to witness my stupid vampire body going out and doing treacherous things >it’s going after my friends >it’s going after my loved ones >it’s going after strangers >it’s going after people of other ethnicities >it’s going after the homeless >it’s going after the elderly >it’s going after the sick >it’s going after the disabled >my FORMER body hangs out a lot with my FORMER Slurpee Vampire Goth GF >they go and drink blood together >they fuck all the time >they have lots of fun >without me >but if i’m here, removed from the world, >then maybe other vampires are too! >i start swishing around in the void >i swish >i swoosh >is swish >i’m getting into a rhythm >whenever my right arm goes swoosh >i swissehhshs to the left >whenever my left leg seheweoohsh >i go sOWhoeehhwowh >i meet another vampire-possessed soul doing a timeout in the fog >i say “hey!” >she says “hey. I feel like i know you.” >i say “why” >she says “you saved my life once.” >i ask how >she says she lost her parents in a car accident >she says i swoosed down on my broom >she says i took her to the hospital >she says i hugged her >she says i visited her all the time >she says i was there when she was relearning everything >anyways, >she was really thankful >i say damn >well, >that’s very meaningful >i forgot that i was a cool and valiant person in life >now i’m a stinky vamper >the other soul says yeah >i swoosh away >i meet another soul >i say hey >they say yeah >i say so this is the vampire-possessed afterlife >they say yeah, i was dying of cancer, so this is an okay alternative >i say yeah >i say that’s a big yeah from me. >they ask me how i became a vampire >i say oh i just really wanted to fuck one >they say oh yeah that too, me too >i swoooooooooooooce away >i’m really getting my steps in today! >i meet another soul >she tells me she has been really depressed >she says that i’m kind of bothering her >she just wants to focus on what her stupid vampire-self is doing back on earth >i say yeah, i won’t stick around too long >i ask her what she would have done differently with her life >she says she would have been kinder to everyone she knew >i tell her that she probably did the best she could >she says no probably not >i tell her i have a solution to her problems that will always make her happy >she says that sounds stupid >i swoooooce around >i swooce and swooosh and sschwiiiffffffffff >i’m a crazy ballerina of the vampire-possessed loser lounge! >i’m painting broad strokes with my numb, foggy, loser legs! >i’m a one-person concerto!.. >...concerta!(?) >i settle back down next to her >she looks at me >at least i think she’s looking at me >she’s looks kind of like a bruised, nebulous fog >she starts crying >i was hoping for a better result >she says she’s crying over me >she thinks i’m such a beautiful person and she’s sorry i ended up here >i say i think she’s the most beautiful person in loser heaven >i ask her what her name is >she says it’s Heathcliff >i say like the cartoon >she says yeah, like the orange cat from the cartoons >but not the fat one >they’re both fat i say >she says but only one has the reputation of being fat >i can’t argue >she asks my name >i tell her it’s Mistrial >i feel the moisture content of purgatory bloom a few degrees >i feel her rush up into me >i can feel her moist cloud mingle and doodle with mine >i can feel >i can feel >i know now >i know now that this is my slushee vampire goth gf! >she says she can feel me, too! >the moisture content of the cloud rises! >i say i think i’m peeing! >she says i think i am too! >i’m a cloud peeing in a cloud! >i say this is the best day of my life! >she says i’m not alive! >i say oh right! >be me, Kate Hex >i’m being pursued by my bad bitch High Priestess of the East, Mistrial >she turned herself into a vampire >she’s stolen a vehicle >she has me in her highbeams >she’s running me over >i roll over the hood >the car surges over a curb and crashes into the gas station booth >i hit the pavement >i roll under a parked car >i think my leg broke >i check my S&W >i am running out of bullets >ammo is expensive >thanks, brandon >i’m listening >i’m looking >i know she’s out there >the car’s engine is still revving loudly - something is jamming it >it’s wedged up in the window of the convenience center >she grabs me by surprise from behind >she launches me out from under the car >i take a shot >she leaps >i can’t get a bead on her >she knee drops into my guts >she drives me into the asphalt >can't breathe >she proceeds to strangle me >i try to line up a shot >she scratches the gun out of my hand >she’s strangling me >my girls arrive >they’re riding in a limo >they screech to a halt >part of a giant wedding cake slides off the hood >Victory stands up in the open moonroof >she has an uzi >she is firing silver into Vampire Mistrial >i try to scream at them to get out >silhouetted in the moon i see her >i see Endor’s little sister >the Canary >she’s sailing down from the dark night on Endor’s broom >she sails it directly into the Vampire Mistrial >it pierces through her >it pins her to the cement >the Canary rolls over top >she rolls over rubble and broken glass >the broom’s wood is cracked away >it’s exposing its silver core >Vampire Mistrial is sizzling >the silver core is run through her midsection >she grips it >her hands sizzle and pop along the lustrous mirror >my beautiful Mistrial >her hands glow in reaction to the silver >she’s generating so much heat and smoke >she’s groaning >i’m worried that she’s going to ignite into flames or explode >i still want to save her >but i can’t >V&V leap out of the limo with their machetes >they start hacking away at her >i have to put an end to this >i stagger over >”I’m sorry, baby” i say >i put a silver round in Mistrial’s heart >you’re free now >be me, Mistrial the Gaseous Shade >i’m having fun mingling my gasses with my gassy gf heathcliff >she gasses a little >i gas a little >we share sassy little gasses together >suddenly i feel a sharp pain in my abdomen >i’m kind of regretting our gassy little fun >i shouldn’t have gone so ham >now the pain is a lot worse >it’s shooting through where my legs and hands used to be >i can’t escape it >there’s nowhere to escape to >i’m screaming >i’m struggling in a vacuum >i can’t breathe >i’m engulfed in flames >for a moment i escape the burning cloud >i have a brief glimpse into a clear night sky >i see Kate Hex >she’s solid and brutal and avenging >she whips her S&W into my face >she says she’s sorry >it fires debris into my teeth and up my nose and out my ears >the bullet cleaves my breast >every instinct and muscle in me jumps up at once >my whole being bulges and spasms >i deflate >i spill >i’m splayed out >i’m feeling it all leave me >i don’t know what’s happening >i don’t know why they’re doing this to me >i don’t know who i am >i don’t know what made me >i don’t know what i did >i dont know what i was >be me, Mistrial the Good Witch >i’m in heaven >you probably don’t think i deserve to be in heaven but i was a good christian girl >even though i was a witch and witches go to hell >even though i was pagan and pagan people to go hell >i was a good pagan christian witch >i was also a sinner >and a vampire >i was a good sinful pagan christian vampire good witch >most of those categories go to hell >but Jesus made an exception >because Mother Mary interceded on my behalf >because good girls stick together >i’ve always been a good Marianist >basically i got in because Christ makes exceptions for people who are exceptionally stupid >i was exceptionally stupid all my life but the fraction of my soul i partitioned for love of Mary and Christ saved the rest of it from eternal damnation >i did have to spend a couple eons in purgatory though >it was fine >it was like vampire-possession purgatory >but instead of hanging out with cool vampire-possessed people you hang out with bored people who read too much philosophy >it’s a hell of its own making >but i got out some time after i started praying >and i started by praying on behalf of my slurpee vampire goth gf, heathcliff >she wasn’t a very good person in life >she started drinking at age ten >she was an adulterer >she had an abortion >she kissed her aunt on the lips >these are all things that will send you straight to hell >she seemed contrite when we were in vampire-possessed purgatory >but contrition alone does not bring salvation >contrition on its own terms is a sort of vanity >she’s also just not Christian >so i probably won’t be seeing her again >i hope i do >so i will keep on praying for her >and my general sense of her is that she fixates on the fact that she’s a bad person >when you tell yourself you’re a bad person >that you’re a bad person >you’re a bad person >it leaves no space for grace >i’m actually not in heaven right now >i’m waiting in line to get into heaven >it’s actually a really long line >i did get my halo >and my harp >and my set of wings >i don’t know how to play it >it’s kind of embarrassing >there’s this girl who’s really good at playing >so we all just listen to her >but i kept getting too close >because i liked feeling the vibration of her harp in my gonads >and they said that isn’t very heavenly behavior >so after a while i stopped doing it >i’m not mad at Kate Hex for blowing my heart in two in the Speedway parking lot >if someone was going to do it i’m happy it was her >she’s a real heart-breaker >kind of mad at my sister though

Coming Soon: broom 2!

thank you for reading the Magical Misadventures of Mistrial the Witch on the blackmeadow neocities page! the written content is copyright material by @dark_penguin_x and Ellsif Fade as seen on the webpage! The graphics used belong to their respective owners! If you enjoyed my work and would like to send a thanks or find more unconventional storytelling, subscribe and leave a like at my twitter account! I live on the scraps of kindness handed out by strangers! It's pathetic, really!