>be me, Heathcliff the Vampire
>i have merged with my vampire
>this will happen if the vampire senses you are aligned with their motives
>they do this so they can use your superior social skills to assimilate into society
>and operate in more clandestine, less batshit ways
>but they’re always testing you
>and they’re always giving you a greater share of the sin
>entrapment by guilt
>and they can still eject your consciousness into a gaseous limbo
>and they can still hurt you
>and they often do
>i've trained myself to live in accordance with the notion that i'm going to be tortured by this thing for eternity
>i’ve developed a personal philosophy
>to live in pain and torture and my own personal hell for eons
>with the pain i’ve caused
>and with the memories
>and the eternal return of such painful memories
>anyways
>recently i turned my Good Witch gf into a vampire
>then her coven killed her
>in a Speedway parking lot
>i’ve been researching a way to resurrect her
>but
>then i thought
>she wants to be there
>she’s happy there
>but i have something
>that will have her come runnin
>back down to earth
>cause i know my Mistrial
>i’m gonna fuck a really gross fat dude
>just the ultimate form of sexual self harm and degredation
>i just need the vampire to cooperate
>because she
>i’m calling her Zed
>she keeps killing the gross fat dudes i’m trying to fuck
>and i tell her
>dude, you’re like a horse
>or a kid with autism
>you need help
>you need to limit your exposure to stimulus
>ease up a bit
>but vampires have no chill
>so i buy a sensory deprivation suit
>now, gross fat dudes with tiny dicks are skittish
>you can’t woo them
>you have to make yourself convenient
>extremely convenient
>but never in a scary way
>and i happen to be a very scary person
>attached to a very scary entity
>so i fold myself up in my deprivation suit
>with just my pussy and ass hanging out
>and slide it under the door of a toilet stall
>and wait
>and my guy comes running in
>i can still kinda hear
>so i’m blabbing internally
>just trying to distract the inner vampire
>and this fat fuck runs right over me
>he’s taking a panicked shit in the stall
>and i’m all roped up
>and he’s blasting the bowl with ass batter
>and he starts kicking me
>he’s kicking me ineffectively
>trying to scooch me out of the way
>so he can get some privacy
>and he’s whining
>he sounds like woody allen
>he’s saying aw gwad this is so hawrahble
>aw gwad
>and i am struck with the full force of raw sewage
>very clingy
>very oily
>back of my throat
>up into my nose
>and i gag immediatel
>the nausea kicks my salivary glands into overdrive
>i’m gagging on loads of befouled saliva
>i’m wretching
>Zed is unaffected by shit smells
>she could end this
>but she is taking a back seat
>she is cooly observing me
>i’m ass up in a toilet stall hoping a fat disgusting guy will fuck me to make my Good Witch gf jealous and the vampire is taking this as an opportunity to deliver a moral lesson through peaceful non-interference
>i’m being condescended to
>by a creature that is so low
>it’s not even classified as living.
>anyways
>once he’s finished
>he does stop to dump a load in me
>and scurries off
>i think he says ‘fwank you’
>which is nice
>it’s nice to be thanked for services rendered
>but my Mistrial does not descend from heaven
>i guess she really loves it up there
>i’m having a hard time dealing with that
>i really love her
>I really want to be with her
>i guess i’ll try something else
>i don’t know what to do
>i’d become christian
>and try to get into heaven
>but i can’t look at bibles
>can’t look at crosses
>can’t enter into a church
>can’t speak the names
>and i have a vampire watching my every move and thought.
>be me, Mistrial the Good Angel
>i’m watching my slurpee vampire gf get fucked in a toilet stall by a very sick, sad man in body, mind, and spirit
>i know she’s trying to shock me
>i know she wants me to come down
>and become the avenging spirit
>but this sort of sad deprivation is just par for the course of the world
>a world that i’m no longer part of
>and i wish she could just see
>that as long as she follows the path of love
>we’ll be together in the end
>but she’s just trying to trick me
>and she’s humiliating herself
>so i’ll feel like i have to come and save her
>but i’m not the path of salvation
>i’m just one of its fruits
>a peach
>hanging in its orchard
>i hope she sees this some day
>i have a long time to wait
—------------------------
>be me, Heathcliff, etc.
>so, me and Zed
>”Zed and I”
>we were reading about witches
>we have a book called
>THE BIG BOOK OF WITCHES
>we wanted THE REALLY BIG BOOK OF WITCHES
>but we make do
>because we don’t really know much about witches
>so any new information is welcome
>sure,
>they ride brooms
>they can cast spells
>they make potions
>and they can hex people
>but aren't all of these things really the same thing?
>isn’t a spell just a hex?
>why brew a potion if you can just cast a spell?
>i just don't understand
>Mistrial said it was like thinking reality into being
>and at the time i think i said okey yeah uh-huh
>and then sucked and fucked and scratched her skin off
>but i wish i had listened
>anyhow
>it says that witches are at their strongest during the full moon
>they are also attracted to cats, wolves, wolves with masks, and other dangerous creatures
>they can do dark or light magic, and eat people
>I do remember
>Mistrial saying cannibalism was a big part of dark magic
>but none of that really matters
>because right now
>i am driving a ferrari testarossa
>at high speeds
>down the California 1
>just beautiful coastline
>and this car
>i found it in a barn
>i just found it
>in a red barn
>did you know that red is the most common color in the universe?
>within the spectrum of visible light
>it’s just an interesting fact
>and i have red hair
>and when you become a vampire
>your eyes turn red
>you drink red blood
>if you think about how many civilizations must be out there
>in outer space
>just starting
>developing
>or wasting away somewhere in the infinite beyond
>there has to be a lot of vampires
>because once we’re in we kind of take over
>and we outlive everything else
>and we’ll be here forever
>so it’s possible that vampires are also the most common form of consciousness in the universe
>somewhere out there are countless failed earths just stacked full of dormant vampires waiting for some interstellar civilization to come and dig up their tombs
>and the ferrari testarossa happens to be
>the most beautiful car in the universe
>and this one
>it feels nonstandard!
>and it's all mine
>because i killed its owners while they were sleeping
>it’s okay though
>they deserved it
>they were hateful misogynistic rapists
>right?
>isn’t that how it works?
>it’s acceptable
>to see stupid people suffer
>it’s fun
>to see mean people suffer
>it’s soothing
>to see criminals suffer
>and they absolutely was all those things
>you believe me don’t you?
>you should
>because we can’t get along otherwise
>and i want us to be the best of friends
>so it’s good that they were particularly evil
>and greedy
>they stole
>from poor people
>from indigenous people
>from grannies
>you’re probably going to see me kill a lot of people
>so i’ll just tell you now
>they’re all evil in ways that track extremely well with general audiences.
>anyways
>what i'm doing now
>is going back to the beginning
>to the Mouth of the Mountain coven
>to get some answers
>and i'd get there sooner
>but i crash the car
>and wrap myself around a big pine
>and i lose a week putting myself back together
>and when i'm done
>i'm ravenous for blood
>but luck delivers
>i stagger up to a sorority camp outing
>and they're so good to me
>and they all descend around me
>and welcome me into their confidence
>and start nursing me back to health
>and ofcourse i suck and fuck and drain one of them
>and they find the body
>and they all know it's me
>but i say ladies it's a genuine caper
>and they say no they know it's me
>because i'm a filthy bedraggled vagabond that roamed into their camp
>and they all know each other
>and they’ve been friends since grade school
>and i'm the obvious creepy outlier
>but they make the mistake of trying to apprehend me
>because they're all beefed up sorority girls on athletic scholarships
>and i'm, presumably, a skinny waif
>having been in a pretty bad way, after dying and all
>so, anyways, the sorority girls, they come for me
>and i snap their limbs
>and when they're all strewn out like broken furniture
>and snapped up like barbies
>i think about how much property damage i just did their parents
>the value of every broken bone
>and torn nostril
>and missing ear
>missing cheek
>i probably did tens of millions of dollars in damages
>and i know how much i was worth at that age
>cause i saw the dollar bills change hands
>and i say ladies
>i honestly feel
>it could have been any one of us
>who did the murder
>a real caper
>so i skip out on them
>and i'm feeling good
>because i have their lip balm
>and black raybans
>and tie dye camp shirt
>red and black plaid button-up
>daisy dukes
>and a big cowboy belt buckle
>cowboy boots
>i’m Heathcliff the Vampire Cowgirl
>and i feel like i spent some real quality time with the girls
>feels like the sort of time i missed out on when i was that age
>that's meaningful
>so i pop into their porsche boxster
>and i toss out the taylor swift cds
>and i'm back on the road
>and yeah
>i may have some dark and unwanted thoughts intruding on my mind in a noxious and repetitive nature
>but they can't keep up with a porsche boxster
>with the top down
>with the great american roadways unrolling in their impossible expansiveness
Part 2
>so’s
>i hear from the radio
>they're shutting down either end of the road i'm on
>because someone’s been murdering in the area
>but that don’t matter
>i'm pulling off
>into the area around the coven
>the general area
>because you can't find a coven
>without getting lost first
>so i start getting lost
>and you smell it before you see it
>smells like a wild cat
>putrescine
>cadaverine
>covered up by smoke and vapors
>then their little witchy sculptures start popping up
>fractured, disjointed
>black symbols and shrines to persephone
>to hecate
>to the furies
>and you see their gardens
>witches have great gardens
>toxic plants
>bright and metallic
>hallucinogenic plants
>strange fluted flowers
>death bell trumpets
>and a lot of animal bones intermingled
>they just go so hard with the animal bones
>like, i get it
>you kill a lot of hapless animals
>a lot of subliminal things to try and wreck my day
>but nothing is going to wreck my day
>i’m in the zone
>what’s it like for you when you’re in the zone?
>for me, it’s when i don’t have to be me
>i don’t have to show any externalities that make me “me”
>i can just focus on the matter at hand
>here and there i feel i see someone watching me from among the trees
>but i’m feeling spry
>i’ve had my fill o’ blood
>so i walk right into the big cavern
>the mouth of the mountain
>and it looks like a party went on
>there’s a lot of really nice recycled wood benches and bars and
>and everything is actually really nice and state of the art
>ambient lighting for bands
>video screens
>iron maiden pinball
>it kind of looks like a biker bar
>but i head on deeper in
>and sure there’s a lot of spooky carcasses
>but it’s not anything i wouldn’t decorate with
>and that’s when i turn into this big watery cavern
>with a bunch of stalagmites and stalactites
>running up and down from the ceiling
>like organ pipes
>and a projector flashes images across the far cave wall
>it’s footage of me cut open
>and crucified
>my organs splayed out
>they’re digging their hands in through my quivering organ meat
>they have handfuls of my blood mingled with trinkets
>they’re plopping the trinkets into my soft wriggling tissues
>stashing them in among my heart
>my kidneys
>my liver
>my intestinal track
>they drop a metal phallus in me
>an’ i feel like i can feel it in there now
>a profane lump weighing in my bowels
>they’re hammering pins into my bones
>they’re burning runes into my bones
>they’re smiling
>wet smiles
>when
>one of them pisses into my open body
>i say hey now
>i say there’s no reason for that
>there’s all kinds of pissing going on into my open cadaver now
>big fucking chicken-frying piss-streams
>into my open corpse
>seems rude i say
>seems rude
>might be a cultural thing though
>but now they’re
>they’re kind of forcing a bunch of thorny branches
>up into my ass
>and my cooter
>so i guess they’re kind of just raping me
>and torturing me
>which i find difficult to assume is part of some broader spectrum of cultural practices
>could be ignorance on my part
>i didn’t read about it in my BIG BOOK OF WITCHES
>but i bet it’s in the REALLY BIG BOOK OF WITCHES
>under ritual scarification of anal sock and birthing canal
>should have sprung for the REALLY BIG BOOK OF WITCHES
>but so now that they’ve shown me that
>they emerge from the darkness of the caves
>one big bear looking witch
>one big wolf looking witch
>one big boar looking witch
>and something tells me i’ve met these three before
>and they ask me how do i like the presentation
>and i say the presentation is fine
>suits me fine
>and they say i’m destined to return
>over and over again
>and i say that’s fine by me
>and they say i’m their puppet
>that i’ve been here countless times
>and they keep handing me back out
>to do their bidding
>in the witch war
>there’s bad blood among the covens
>and they’ll be sending me back out
>just as soon as they’ve eaten from me
>and raped me
>and gored me
>and i say ladies
>ladies, please
>don’t y’all start on me at once
>and they make a move on me
>and i move to break them
>to snap their limbs like barbie dolls
>but my strength quits me
>and the big pig looking one
>she grabs hold my quivering arm
>and i’m like a child
>and i look for Zed
>and i say what are you fucking doing
>and Zed is just
>she’s not doing anything
>she’s just in stasis
>and i say i could possibly use you right now
>but she’s not doing anything
>and pigwitch is yanking me around
>she’s yanking me so hard
>she’s shredding up the muscles in my arm
>and i think
>oh fuck i have been here before
>i have been in this cave
>i have been in this cage
>i’ve been here so many times before
>and i can hear myself pleading
>to pig witch
>i can hear myself trying to clarify
>i can hear myself asking for understanding
>and none of these things are me
>i’m not in the zone
>i am no longer in the zone
>i have been ejected from the zone
>discharged from the zone
>i have never even seen the zone
>because they’re splittin’ me up
>they’re bursting me open
>they’re taking their time with it
>they’re laughing
>they have all what they want
>and i have nothing
>i am nothing
>i’m just a pathetic plaything
>and it just keeps going on
>and i’m puking
>and i’m crying
>and this horrible future
>it speaks of an evil i have known my whole life
>it keeps descending on me
>it says i am defeated
>it says i am humiliated
>and i say i know
>i say i have always known
>and i give myself up to it
>and i say i’m sorry
>and i beg their forgiveness
>and after a while they hold up
>and they whisper in my ear
>that what makes it fun
>is that i was once destined for something great
>that i was once loved
>but now i’m a piece of shit vampire queer
>and the lowest of the low
>and they say that makes it the most fun
>that i’m nothing
>and i say i’m nothing
>and i just ask them please
>let me go
>and they say no
>it’s a process
>i’m not ready yet
>they’ll know when i’m ready
>not me
>i’m so wet
>in a cell
>and it’s all stone around me
>and there’s a television playing
>but there’s no controls to the tv
>and one incandescent dangling from a wire
>and there’s no way to turn em off
>there’s just a drain
>and i’m calling to Zed
>i’m asking her to wake up
>i’m asking her to do something
>but she’s not moving
>and i’m being passed around
>i’m being used
>i’m being raped and ruined
>and they harvest my body
>and they eat of me
>and i’m put in with other people
>to tear em up like an animal
>and at some point
>i get the inkling
>that i have to do something
>that it has to be me
>Heathcliff
>but i have nothing
>so i start writing on the walls
>but all i have is my blood
>and i’m writing on the walls
>just gross little pictograms
>horrible little hangmen
>then larger grotesques
>and the more i make
>o these pictograms
>the more they start making sense to me
>they’re a story of something greater
>something greater than myself
>and i feel like i’m not so alone
>i feel like i belong to something
>but all i can do in the time i’m not being drugged
>or abused
>or vivisected
>or raped
>or eaten
>or gored
>all i can do is sleep or cry or paint with my entrails
>then one day i find a little ‘gram
>a little pictogram
>and this one i didn’t do
>i find it on a shelf of rock
>it belongs to someone else
>it’s a lil’ kilroy
>and for a moment
>for a moment i’m really happy
>i’m just happy to see this lil beacon of weirdness
>in a place so unexpected
>and it must have been done by someone
>in a situation similar to my own
>and i feel a little connection with them
>but how can a stinky lil’ kilroy help me
>and i lie down in the muck
>and i despair
>because all my time is wasted
>and i keep mumbling the same old shit to myself
>and i’m hungry
>my vampire is hungry
>but she’s not doing anything
>she’s just sitting there
>like an asshole
>and i wait for them
>because that’s all i can do
>i wait for them
>and one day they let me go
>they say it’s your time
>and i’m back out into the coastal redwoods
>into the wet jungle
>reaching up for life
>and i can feel
>i can feel what a tremendous evil i am
>i am trembling with the weight of deprivation
>and rage
>and my vampire is back
>and she is primed
>with all they did to us
>she is ready to turn it all back on the world
>and she is ready to turn on the slightest bit of life
>she is ready to split a squirrel in half
>and i’m out in the ferns
>foraging for bugs
>for what seems like hours
>i’m just eating bug blood
>and frass
>and coughing on wings
>and out in the fields
>i see a little girl
>and i think this can’t be me
>i think what have they done to me
>and i walk up on her
>and i’m about as scared of her as i’ve ever been
>and she sees me
>and she starts to run
>and i run after her
>and i know she can’t outrun me
>and she can’t outrun Zed
>and the sun is coming up
>and she’s backed up in a hollow
>she’s backed up in a goose pen
>and i’m tearing the hard wood out
>i’m tearing iron wood out to get at her
>be me, Mistrial the Good Angel
>i’m thumbing through an old copy of Better Homes & Gardens
>i can’t believe people used to read this shit
(TO BE CONTINUED)