Shotgun Secretary and I and Pickle Horse-brother left the courtroom, seemingly in defeat at the hands of Pickle Homer Horse-man’s latest frivolous lawsuit. We had appeared in America’s most popular televised courtroom, we made our case to Judge Judy Sheindlin, and she chose to rule against us. Ofcourse I played along for the cameras, but something she said tipped me off that the whole thing was a set-up. I was being played for a fool, but a fool no longer. It was when she started complimenting the horse-man on his morality I realized that this Judge Judy Sheindlin was no Judge Judy Sheindlin at all, but a clever clone. Nobody compliments Horse-men. Least of all a shrewd judge and television celebrity. So I did what needed to be done. “Cast her in,” I ordered Super Saijan Ascendent Saint-Killer Shotgun Secretary, who nodded and wheeled the fake Judge Judy Sheindlin into the Soul Reaver pit where she would burn forever in toxic flames. So great a replicant of the original Judge Judy Sheindlin this clone was, it would be 99.99% similar to the REAL Judge Judy Sheindlin burning forever in an inescapable toxic flame vortex, the remaining .1% being a brief compliment in a horse-man’s favor. But I’m not that evil. I raised my M320 modular grenade launcher with a special round designed to follow a replicant Judge Judy Sheindlin into the Soul Reaver vortex and detonated after a respectable amount of torture endured, just long enough to get the point across but not long enough to make me a bad guy. I fired it in after her. Then fired in a special round designed to destroy the previous round, because I’m actually the bad guy. I’m just plain evil, and it’s slightly more evil to prepare the groundwork for recompense and then see it destroyed than to just do something evil. Then I fired in another round to destroy that round because I’m not such a bad guy. I can be a good fellow, once you get to know me. Then I kind of hesitated, tried to really pin down whether I’m bad or good, examining the patterns of my psyche down to three hundred sixty-fifths of the snap of a finger. The sequence was going evil, evil, good, good, good, evil, evil, good, evil, good, evil, evil, good, good, good, good, and I was like yes i’m really on a roll with good, but then I got a big sequence of evils that was like evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, good? Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, etc. I rubbed my temples counterclockwise, examining the evil and good slot machine deep in my subconscious. Ultimately, I asked Super Mega Hyper Ascendent Shotgun Secretary of the Shotgun-Heaven-Realm to blind-load a cartridge for me and I fired that. Then I walked away. Sometimes you have to let luck or fate decide these things. Is that evil? Certainly the Judge Judy Sheindlin clone would testify that I’m thoroughly evil, but her bias is clear at present. You can’t trust someone who’s being tortured by the Soul Reaver Vortex to present an unbiased claim. We also shoved Pickle Horse-man’s brother, Pickle Horse-brother into the Soul Reaver Vortex, making good on our claims that we would “take care of him.” Which seems arguably downright evil, but it was really just a matter of convenience. We spent a lot of time throwing stuff down into the Soul Reaver Vortex because, it’s kind of like visiting a Costco. You need to get your money’s worth. We almost threw Pickle Horse-man in but he was like WAIT A FUCKIN SECOND, so we waited, and he chewed his sandwich for a minute just kinda thinking about the situation, and then was like ‘nah-ah,’ so we put him back down. There’s a sort of pacifying beauty to looking down over the Soul Reaver Vortex. You stand there long enough and you think, why shouldn’t I jump in? Test my mettle against eternal suffering a bit. Do I have what it takes? If Clone Judge Judy Sheindlin can do it, shouldn’t I be able to? Stand there long enough and you resist the call one time, two times, three times, how many times before you say ‘heck it,’ and go for a dip? What’s keeping me? Are my various responsibilities and investments really all that important? Comparatively, they’re all transient experiences, whereas the pain of the Soul Reaver Vortex is eternal. Maybe just dip a little hoofie in... Test the waters...