>be me, Bitey >I am returning >from the source >from the foggy hokey pokey of unspent potential >through the lithium vapor >past the dim, pregnant universes of newness >we rats >we slip through cracks >a door is a conscious design >a hole is the space where form was >a crack, though.. >a crack is a failure >a failure for rats to exploit >the clever rat slips through the cracks >to tresspass upon the garden >upon the hearth >upon the tower >and in doing so I am re-becoming >I am reminding myself of my purpose >the rat is the thief of treasures upon the earth >the destroyer of crops >the harbinger of plague >God brought frogs upon Egypt >because some part of him still loved the Egyptians >he spared them the rat >I am returning >to make myself known >upon the one who vanquished me >I lengthen myself for home >be me, Bonky >woke up with some really bad congestion >oh, God >feels like I have cotton in my sinuses >I roll over the philly from the night before >she groans >i say go back to sleep >she does >I throw my muzzle into my water bucket and start lappiing >good, cool water >after about an hour I get up to grab some Bonky-O's >I read the morning paper >it's so civilized of me >reading the paper, I mean >it really feels like it puts you in touch with the world at large >even though all the events it describes are completely removed from any reality I'll ever experience >it talks about the sordid lives of politicians >the drama of sports teams >the flippancy of celebrity >it observes potential cures and imminent threats >it really makes you feel like someone is at the helm >some class of poet warrior is hard at work keeping society from coming undone >so that you don't have to >you can kick back >and I do >I flip to the funny pages >and read about an army man who is so dumb >he's just... >so dumb. >what a world! >a cat who gets too fat to sit in a chair >a child who makes a mental connection that is either illogical or too logical >I drink some old coffee >there's a roach in it >which is a nice treat >I get up to hit my 9 to 5 >I pass the horse-man in the hall >he stops me >hey, he says, you got somethin >and pantomimes wiping his snout >can you get that for me, I ask, I don't have hands right now >he pulls at something in my snout >he yanks >it's stuck, he says >it feels like there's a dang tampon in my snout! >my mind reels >i'm thinking of all the betampon'd beings who might have done this >the philly from the night before! >I rush back to my room >she's still sleeping >I forgot her name >I clear my throat >nothing. >she's out. >i start pretending to clean up my room >but I'm really just throwing things around >in the process I accidentally knock two of my swarovski crystal statues together >there's a chip on my swarovski crystal joker figurine >i stand there, trying to paw the chipped piece back into place >exasperated grunting >this day couldn't have started out any worse >I see the philly has been watching me >she hasn't said anything >she was just watching me make a dang fool of myself! >oh! I say, you're awake. >Hiya, she says, and winks >Ummm.. I think out loud >..did you, by any chance, insert a tampon into my nostril last night >she rears her head around, blinking in dust floating softly in the sunlight pouring in from the crack in the curtain >I just need to get to work and I can't go in with a tampon in my nose >Bonky, she says >blinking >that's a dang rat in your nose. >What??? I ask, breakthlessly >Bonky, a damn rat got into your nose. That's a filthy rat tail dangling out of your mouche. >some sort of primal terror overcomes me >a rapid mixture of childhood fears of pests getting embedding themselves in my eyes ears and nostrils >and a fear for the creature itself >the claustrophobia >the vulnerability >the state it must have been in to seek refuge in a horse's nostril >the philly leans in and bites the tail on the rat and yanks >it doesn't budge >he's really jammed in there, she says >I rush to the horse-man >he's blacking himself on the fresh asphalt in the street outside our house >I don't know why >for what purpose >but his skin is shining black as he rolls in the fresh pitch >HOMER, I yell >I NEED YOU TO OPERATE >get out of my sun, he says >NO. I stand firm. >YOU GET OUT OF MY SHADE. >need to get black, he says >NO. >I paw at him with the crude edge of my hoof >OW, he says, STOP >need to get black, he hisses >YOU FREAK, I say, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. >I HAVE A DAMN RAT IN MY NOSE. >a rat in your nose, he pauses, blinking. >yeah a dang rat snuck in my nose last night >I thought it was a tampon >but it's a friccin RAT >the horse-man sits up >he takes my muzzle in his black hands >the residue smears off on my lips and nose >he peers into my nose hold >he has returned, the horse-man whispers. >WHO HAS RETURNED? I ask >the horse-man gets up and runs into the garage >HE HAS RETURNED, the horse-man roars from inside the garage, accompanied by the sounds of junk and tools being thrown around >my mind races to think up all the guys who might have returned >I have a really long list of enemies >people and creatures that I've bested >lovers I've skipped out on >foals and colts I've trampled >WHO HAS RETURNED, I shout nervously >pickle horse-man returns, brandishing a drill >he spins the motor, once, twice.. >hold still, he says >i hold still >what are you doing, i ask >hold still, he says >he presses the drill to the uppermost part of my nostril >he guns the drill and the hot iron bit plunges into my nostril >he pulls it out >i wrinkle my nose >stings >i can breathe a bit though >he peeks into the hole >he grabs my face and takes me around the side of the house >into the front door >into the kitchen >he searches through the kitchen drawers and cabinets >he retrieves a straw >he plunges it into the hole in my face >he checks the pantry >he lingers in the door of the fridge >he opens up the freezer >he grabs a bag of peas >he dumps them into the blender >he didn't clean the blender >it was all crusty >he pours some water in >he blends up a pea puree >he drinks from the blender >he takes my face in his hands >he wraps his lips around the straw >he's blowing pea snot into the hole in my face >WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I ask >he has returned, says the horse-man >WHY ARE YOU BLOWING PEA MUSH INTO MY NOSE >some gets up into my nose >I cough and sputter >i'm wretching >he has returned, says the horse-man, standing over me. >I don't want a rat in my nose >I don't want a straw in my face >I certainly don't want the horse-man administering aid to a rat stuck in my head >this day couldn't possibly get any worse >couldn't possibly >it's all a big nightmare >it's a dang nightmare! >that kind of nightmare where a rat is stuck in your nose
